One of the questions I see coming up over and over again is about anger, and full blown rage, in grief.
One of the reader’s dilemmas I answered for Pick Me Up was around their confusion over why they felt angry and rage filled rather than sad. Their boyfriend had been killed in a tragic car accident.
This is what I’d have replied with if I had unlimited words at my disposal:
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Anger is a perfectly natural part of the process – you’ve been robbed.
In some ways it feels like he abandoned you, without warning, without giving you a chance to fight your corner or say goodbye. That would absolutely make you angry at him in any other circumstances.
I mean, how dare he waltz off into the sunset without you? Without discussing it, or arguing over it, right? No warning, no preparation, no explanation…
To be honest, even if you had had a warning, you might still be angry with him.
Your life has changed. You’re having to deal with things you didn’t ask for. Whether it’s feeling obligated to spend time with certain people, unpick a mess that wasn’t of your making or just being lonely, all of these things can make you feel resentful and angry.
None of it feels like your choice and because it is his death that changed everything, it can feel like it’s his fault.
But if he died in an accident, he didn’t choose it either.
All of your emotions are valid.
Giving yourself the opportunity to really feel them will help with your recovery longer term, but you don’t need to suffer indefinitely.
Forgiveness is vital to your recovery and future happiness.
Repeating the ho’oponopono prayer may benefit you: “I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.” Think of him, think of yourself.
You may find talking to bereavement counsellor from Cruse (www.cruse.org.uk) helpful in talking it out.
I wish you every future happiness.
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